Are you f@&$ing serious?

Christmas holidays are here. Mom and Dad showed up unscathed. All seems great.

Let me tell you about our trip to Bali.

First, web check in. Sounds wonderful. New addition to AirAsia.

Call cab to pick us up at 8:00.

8:30 family is walking across the street to catch a cab because said cab has not shown up. "sorry, Meester" .

10:25- arrive at airport for 10:35 flight to Bali. Told because I had used the web check in I would have to purchase six new tickets. 10:26- security arrives after I slammed my hands on the counter telling the attendant that the plane would take off late because no AirAsia flight has ever taken off on time. After being told that they had closed the gate and we could not get on, my blood pressure rises some more. Mental note and real pisser- the plane did not take off until 10:52.... So, it was late.

After only paying a service fee, we were able to get new tickets on the 1:45 flight out. Good news.

Bad news....that plane was 50 minutes late for arrival. Take off time...3:00.

So, we wasted half a day in Bali. How was I supposed to add to my collection of carved, wooden dick bottle openers?

Had a great time in Bali with the folks.

Going to Jogjakarta with mom and dad.

6:00am flight. Need to leave hotel at 4:00 am. Up at three, have a driver already lined up. The same driver who we had used for the previous three days.

4:00- phone driver to check if he is on his way.

4:15- get in touch with driver who was still sleeping. He says he is half an hour away.

4:23- driver picks us up.

4:24- wonder how much gas is in his tank when the little 'need gas' light comes on. Also wonder if gas stations are open at this early hour. Also wonder why a person who has no gas does not fill up tank the night before. Also wonder why I am being so calm......ahhh....memories of security. Catch more flies with honey. But shit works well, too.

4:45- mom has covered her eyes because she cannot believe how driver is driving. Welcome to Indonesia, mom!

4:55- getting gas. Still need to make the plane.

After almost losing control while hydro planing, driver says we are five minutes away from airport. I tell him it would be a shame to die so close to destination and he slowed down. You're welcome, mom.

5:20- arrive at airport. Unfortunately, there was some construction and I think there was a 20min. Walk to the front gates.

5:30- in line for tickets

Plane takes off ten minutes late.

Don't ask 'Why?'.

Marni and I went out on our date-night, last night. A great little Turkish place up the road. Actual, Turkish...not a doner kebab! Anyway, a nice couple sat down beside us and we got to talking. Turns out, the man was a Principal at a local, Indonesian public school. To make things better, he was Canadian! From BC, mind you, but still Canadian.

He was soon to return to Canada to do some recruiting and he asked Marni and I what he should include in a presentation about teaching in Jakarta. Our answer, "Don't ask why anything is the way it is." That question could drive you crazy.

A couple examples, recently. The manpower department has recently decided that they need to have all of our teachers university transcripts in order to renew their work permits. It doesn't matter that all of these teachers have already received work permits and are simply renewing them. They had been approved in the past, but now they government does not believe itself. That may seem easy to overcome, except our Principal has been teaching for 30 years and her college doesn't exist anymore.

Another teacher had taken a number of history modules in her last year of University. The module names: Sorcery and Witchcraft, Hollywood, just to name a few. It may be tough to sell yourself as a teacher when those are the modules the Indonesian government will see. One of the other wonderful things is that all the transcripts needed to be translated into Indonesian. I am certain that will happen smoothly .

Another thing we find around here is the number of restaurants that are out of food. Why? Don't ask. KFC with no chicken, McDonalds with no hamburgers, Bars with no beer. There is a restaurant across the street that has many liquor bottles along their bar. They are all empty. You ask for Scotch- none, wine- not today, Meester. But, decorations....they have many.

We have no gym equipment at our school. Over the last few years much of it has been stolen, kicked over the fence, etc. We were to make a large order from a company in Australia. One of our Indonesian teachers mentioned to me that we could simply get that stuff locally. When I asked "Why don't we go and buy some equipment, then?" I received the standard 'deer in headlights' look. Silly me for asking why.

Looking at this topic I guess many questions have simple answers:

Why do the buses not have doors? Duh, to get in and out while the bus is still moving.

Regardless of whose fault a car accident is, why does the car owner always pay for the scooter driver? Duh, because the car is bigger. You should have known the scooter would run into your back bumper.

Why are there stoplights? That is a good question. Apparently, 98% of Indonesians are colourblind, anyway.

Why is there a Saskatchewan Roughriders Jersey in the outlet store across the street? Because no one at home will buy it.

Why is that man strapped to a palm tree? How else would he get it home on his scooter.

Indonesian principles

The family and I have been here for over a year, now and we are becoming more and more Indonesian. We are in process of learning the language and have started to wear jackets when the temperature plummets under 28 degrees.

With the start of the xmas season I thought I would share a few traditions that we will be bringing home with us.

Camels- Christmas needs less Christ and more camels.

The kids had joined us in slowly walking from one escalator in the mall to the other in a strategically staggered fashion. We walk slow enough that you cannot possibly pass us before the next escalator. We think that it develops patience.

Also dealing with escalators, the malls here are so large that you must gaze at the marvels surrounding you....at the top of the escalator. That way, too, everyone else behind us can enjoy the same splendor we do. One must really stop and smell the roses more often. So why not do it while your toes are being smashed into the person in front of you and getting felt up from behind?

We will start giving everybody driving instructions. Our lives in the west are so regimented rules and protocol that driving should make a person feel free. So go where you want, when you want at whatever speed you want. That said though, I have not been in a car in Jakarta that has gone 50km/h. Realize too, honking your horn has many meanings from "stop" to "go" to "get the hell out of my way" to "please, feel free to cross in front of me, it is safe". Marni and I will brief you on the differences.

We will make sure that visible minorities do not feel segregated. When see them will yell, hoot, point and take pictures of them. What better way could there be to make them feel like one of us?In fact, why wait? When you see Africans, touch there heads, Asians, make funny eye shapes and yell at them. Let them know that they are different and you love that about them. Spread the love, people, it's almost Christmas!

Jakarta Petting Zoo

Another 'Killing an Animal' Holiday is upon us. Marni and I noticed, last week, the number of local petting zoos were springing up all over. This morning, many of them are empty. Hmmm??

Yesterday, there were some locals 'recycling' in our compound. Recycling here consists of throwing all of your shit away and someone with a pull cart comes around and pick through all the good stuff. However, good stuff here is relative. These people probably live on less than a dollar a day. AND....they have a smile on their face. Truly fascinating.

Anyway, with our local recyclers were two goats. Poor little things had know idea what was about to happen to them. I asked the men if I could take some picture (I am learning more Indonesian so I tried it on them...."Boleh, kana saya picture, anda?" "Hell ya, Misterrrr!" they answered. Then they scurried around to look busy. Actually, I just wanted a picture of the goats.

When I pointed to the goats (who happened to be chewing on a burger wrapper that I probably threw out) and made the classic 'knife across the throat' gesture, they all smiled and said "Yessss". The one man then gave his goat a little rub behind the ears. That may have been to tenderize it, too. I am not sure if ears are good eating. In Asia, though.....it's all good. Today we saw many of the staff members sorting out piles of meat into plastic bags. One can only assume it was our two little goats from the night before.

Anyway, to put this in perspective for you. Do you remember in "The Godfather" when the one character wakes up next to the horse head? Well, we saw the guy who actually places the horse head on his pillow, today. He had a wonderfully crocheted bag filled with the head of a cow....on his scooter. Just so nonchalont about it. Why wouldn't you be carrying the head of another mammal around?

Trunk or treating

Sorry, Mr. Bruce. Something happened with the loading of this and I know you are sad and disappointed with the lack off the post. Those words alone probably do not describe your feelings, though.

We had interesting Halloween, in Jakarta. First off, Indonesians are very skiddish about ghosts and spirits. They do take Halloween seriously and many do not participate. However, being at in international school we like to celebrate all cultures...and sell beer in the process.

Our parents group set up a family dance in our undercover area. It is like a steel shed without the sides. Like where cows would be kept. They decorate it all up to be spooky and play 'Thriller' about eight times in three hours.

But, because it is Jakarta and getting together in family groups is difficult, over 350 people showed up. It was wonderful.

Costume of the night has to be a little boy dressed as a knight. He says to a friend that he is an "invincible knight". I questioned his credibility when I noticed his nanny was carrying the sword. Sort of took away some of his toughness, I thought.

Some glaring differences, though. Instead of going from house to house (security would not let you through the gate) for candy, the parents set up their cars and vans so the kids can go from vehicle to vehicle. Hence the 'trunk or treat'. The drivers happily hand out candy to the kids and then probably go to the school musholla and pray that the spirits will not suck out their soul.

Secondly, instead of worrying about the snow and ice, we have to worry about the deluge that can strike at anytime. Of course, it did, too. Luckily, we could all fit in the covered area and neighbouring classrooms. This is not your average thunderstorm. You have never heard thunderstorms like you would, here. It is insane. The rain is also the most intense rain you have ever seen. But, within an hour after stopping, everything is dry and ready to go.

Some prizes won by the family, Caden with best lower primary dancer. The kid can shake it! Marni and I won two bottles of vino for best teacher dance. Apparently, Brits and Aussie's have now idea how to jive. When they asked how we knew how to do that I had to explain that we all know. It's part being Canadian....like eating timbits. Then I had to explain timbits. When I explained that we used timbits to hunt moose, they were really confused.

Krakatau

I will write this now since it has already happened and Mom can't be freaking out. We decided that for some silly reason we would go camping. That was great- a chance to roast some imported marshmallows from Singapore, drink some warm Bintang beer by a fire and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. So, where will one do this? At the bottom of a volcano... that is active... and experiencing tremors...and currently smoking and spewing boulders!

Ah yes, my friends. Just a short boat ride from a nearby coastal town will get you at the base of a volcano known around the world because of the largest recorded eruption known to mankind. Allegedly so loud that it was heard in Australia, nearly 4000km away. Krakatoa was actually three volcanoes that were connected as one large island. But, in 1883, blew the shit out of two and a half of them. Krakatoa is dormant and only half of it is left. Wuss!

But, in the place of one of the previous volcanoes lies 'Anak Krakatau' (Son of Krakatoa and Caden's new nickname) which, only last week, was banned from public visits due to its nasty demeanor. In 1927, this Anak Krakatau grew from the ocean and is now a popular tourist attraction..... yay, for us!

Beautiful black sand beaches. White sand is for beotches! Black sand is way nicer. Decent coral reefs and enough pumis stone even Marni can have soft feet. And.....no mosquitoes! We were able to climb a significant way up the slope to the crater. The tour guide telling us when some of the most recent explosions had happened (last Tuesday being mentioned). As well, the same day as the earthquake in Bali, there were eight or nine tremors on the island. Bali gets all the fun stuff.

One nice thing when we camped is that we were joined by a group of French tourists that were on a tour of different volcanoes in the region. We all felt much safer because, as history has shown, any time there is an explosion or projectiles falling from the sky, the French are the first to leave.

Living in Jakarta too long.

One of my friends posted this in Facebook. I thought I would share some of the

• When after every sentence you say ... Iyaaahh!
• You too believe traffic lanes, stop signs and one way streets are mere suggestions and that sidewalks were meant to drive on or they wouldn't have paved them.
• You can drive 60 km/h two inches from cars on either side of you, but cannot back into a parking space in an empty lot without two guys yelling “Kiri…Kiri Terus, Terus, Terus…”
• You can kill cockroaches with your bare feet
• The footprints on the toilet seat are your own
• You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue
• You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day
• You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift
• It has become exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anybody else can get off
• You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go to within a kilometer of at home
• It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting
• You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply “up to you mister”
• You no longer wonder how someone making US$200 per month can drive a Mercedes
• You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue
• You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car
• You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the plane is on final approach
• You think the Proton and Kijang are stylish and well built cars
• You answer the telephone with “Hello” more than 2 times
• You are quite content to repeat your order six times in a restaurant that only has four items on the menu
• A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine
• If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the Air Traffic Controllers
• You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different
• You're not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb
• Taxi drivers understand you
• You own a rice cooker
• Due to selective memory you honestly believe you could return to the western world
• You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your pants
• When crossing a busy street you believe that a limp wrist motion with your right arm creates a force field that repels oncoming traffic
• You think it's logical to dry your hands with Kleenex
• When dining with your family at a mexican restaurant, the table next to you is occupied by an overweight, bald, fifty-something Australian petroleum worker who has each of his arms around a teenaged Sundanese girl
• You find yourself getting upset with inflation because the price of the buffet in a five-star hotel is now nearly ten dollars
• Going out for a drink with your coworker, he shows up with his girlfriend, even though you are on a first name basis with his wife
• There is no discount for what is clearly a demo model
• A gaggle of teenage girls swoon as you walk by
• The cute looking girls in Singapore seemingly pay you no notice whatsoever
• McDonald's is out of hamburgers and KFCs is out of chicken
• You ask a person taking your order, “Do you have cheeseburgers?” and the server responds, “Yes, we do.” And so you say, “OK, I'll order a cheeseburger.” And the server says, “I'm sorry, we're out of cheeseburgers.”
• You can walk into a five-star hotel lobby unshaven, in jogging shorts, ratty t-shirt and flip-flops and DON'T get an awkward glance from the management.
• A bathroom with four attendants is so disgustingly filthy that you wouldn't step into it back home ... and one of those attendants sole job is to hand you flimsy, single-ply toilet paper to dry your hands.
• You look left, right, backwards, forwards, up and down before crossing a one way street.
• You've seen every hollywood blockbuster three weeks before its premier
• You pick your nose in public
• You take a book to read on the journey to work ( thank you for that one Mr Cook)
• You consider an 18 year old getting on a bit
  
• Your current girlfriend is younger than your daughter
• The titles "Mr. Bob" and "Miss Barbara" begin to sound normal to you
• You stop wondering why the concept of turning lanes never occurred to traffic engineers in Jakarta
• You stop wondering if the concept of traffic engineers ever occurred to anyone in Jakarta
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you fish the fly out with a spoon and drink it anyway
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you drink it fly and all. (That's how you know you have really been in Indonesia too long).
• you are no longer confused when you are asked if you want some 'beep bacon' (beef bacon) with your eggs.

Excuses

Working for the winners of society certainly has its privileges. Educating children that are catered to, nannied, driven and basically coddled since birth has allowed me to experience some of the finest excuses from physical education I have ever been privy to.

Yesterday, I had the honor of getting four parents' notes regarding why their sons could not participate in swimming.

Excuse #1: My son is still having ear infections and the doctor tells him he should not go swimming. Okay, this one is legitimate. After doing some more digging the child has had tubes in his ears when he was younger. They have been causing him trouble. Fine.

Excuse #2: There is some disease in Indonesia that makes this student throw up when he showers in cold water. The boy explained that he also tends to throw up when he eats too much. My answer to him was "Yah, it's called eating too much!". I also followed it up with a "I'm not a doctor but I think that is a stupid diagnosis. Get a second opinion."

Excuse #3: Getting better.... This boy (who, last week, missed two days of classes due to growing pains) came to me in the morning with a mommy note saying " My little Douchebag* son can not swim because he has been complaining of earaches.". Great. He later came to me and needed to go to the bathroom because he has had bleeding in his ears. Getting more legitimate. When I asked to look in his ear he had a scratch from his finger nail! I told him to keep his finger out of his ear. He also told me he suffers from nose bleeds. My answer to him "It's caused by the same finger."

Excuse #4: This was the best one yet. After years of girls having 3 weeks of menstruation in a month when teaching junior high this one has to be the lamest excuse.
Note from mom "Please excuse my little Pussy of a son* from swimming because he is a bit tired." Are you f#$king kidding me? Its a Monday morning- who isn't tired?
Anyway, as I probed the boy (no, I don't work in a Catholic school) for more information he mentioned he has been losing a lot of blood lately. Oh shit- another ear scratch! Possibly ebola? Oh, no...the student says he has been losing blood from his gums while brushing his teeth. WHAT?! Somebody find me a dentist and see if you can become anemic from brushing too hard. To solve his ailment I recommended a softer toothbrush.

Mom, I'm going to need a handful of notes when you come at Christmas.

*To protect their identity, the names of Pussy's and Douchbags have been changed.

Haircut

I have found a new love.

At the PAXI barbershop across street is my new best friend, Unang. The man is like Edward Scissorhands. He may actually be the Chuck Norris of barbers- just glaring at my head until the hairs couldn't resist and simply break off at the appropriate length. In fact, if it wasn't for the hair hitting the floor around me I wouldn't even know he was touching my head.

He stares at the mirror and measures the length of my hair to the proportion of my ears as if DaVinci was going to critique him. I hope he noticed that my eyes are crooked and my nose is bent.

An errant hair was caught on my brow, gentle Unang whisked it away with nary a flick of his hand.

Then comes the shoulder massage. Unang performed some sort of Voodoo magic and pulled demons from my spine with his firm hands. By the time he finished my hands were tingling (and my pants may have been wet).

The first I went to him I opted for my first straight shave, ever. I came out of it with the skin of a newborn child. I think the hair was so afraid of Unang that it stayed in my face for three days.

So I am developing some new tourism ideas for Indonesia. Men, grow your hair long and visit Unang for a shave and a haircut, play some golf with 19 year-old girls carrying your clubs, and drink your face off for about $12. Women, getting touched by Unang may make you want to leave your husbands. I suggest you be careful. The power and grace in the mans hands could shake your foundations and his 'Blue Steel' gaze will make you melt to a puddle. It is a Pandora's box of manliness.

Snorkeling

Nana came for a visit. Really, what else is a person going to do when they are recently retired but fly half-way around the world?

Well, school started on the first day of Ramadan. That means that there is a somewhat reasonable excuse for the renovations at the school to not get done. There will be another week of uselessness due to everyone recovering from Idul Fitri break. After that, everyone will simply be lazy.

Seems how our nannies had the week off we figured we would get out of town. No sense doing our own laundry and cooking when we should have someone do that for us. Off we went to Bali.

Our first experience of Bali, although wonderful, was a little underwhelming. It is hard to get around without a car and the sights are very spread out. We were encouraged to try another part of the island. In this case, we went to Seminyak.

T'was a beautiful place except for the abnormally high proportion of gay men (not that there is anything wrong with it). Many 'Sugar Daddies', too many Speedos and a lot of ass-grabbing. None of the ass-grabbing was done to me and I am still wondering if I should be offended or not.

A couple of highlights- Nana got a little teary-eyed when she saw these beautiful Macaws flying around in the bird park. They are truly wonderful and I think could only be appreciated when they are in full flight. Caden and Zoe got to feed some pelicans and Caden learned not to tease pelicans with food and that pelicans do not have teeth. He learned this when his arm was halfway in the male pelicans pouch.

With Nana fretting about getting into the ocean to do some snorkeling we was quite a trooper and jumped right in. I am scarred by the vision of her in a wetsuit but like a good son-in-law I stayed with her in the water while everyone else took off in other directions. Unfortunately, the buoyancy of the salt water was too much to overcome while pushing her head underwater.

There were a large variety of fish- fish that if you coloured them like they were no one would believe that actually exist. We did see some large Parrot fish, a Moray Eel and a Peacock shrimp. The Peacock shrimp will snap at you so fast that it can break your finger. I learned that after our guide pointed it out to us. Caden and Nana did see a big starfish, too. Marni and Nana successfully fed the fish after a bout of seasickness. All wonderful memories!?

Back to work on Monday. Time to think about what to do during our next break. We are thinking of heading to Krakatoa for some hiking.

New School

Apparently, many of you have been missing your dose of me. I am sure that there is a hole in your heart that cannot be filled by anything other then the words I scribe.

After returning from the paparazzi-filled, pig-ass eating trip to China we returned to the squalor of Jakarta. After realizing that 4:15 every morning is the time for the locals to pray we are reconsidering our move to the south side of Jakarta. Let me just say that the local religious folk are not belting out tunes by Frank Sinatra. More like Janis Joplin sober....and the name Mohammed mentioned several times. But, for a small donation I can get the local mosque to move the direction of the loudspeaker.

We are in the midst of Ramadan. The locals are fasting from sunup to sundown. This is wonderful because now there is a legitimate excuse for them not doing a good job of anything. Sadly, many of our students are fasting as well. They are dragging their sorry, skinny bodies around the school. There are some as young as grade 1 fasting for the full day. Although, I guess the rule is that a child should hit puberty before starting the fasting process. I do have a great deal of respect for the people that are able to fast and still have a productive day.

We did hear a story of some local American kids (have to be Americans) that replaced the mosque prayer recording with a Beastie Boys cassette. Needless to say at 4:15 the locals awoke to a great surprise. By 4:30 am the young boys and their families were being deported with the threat of death. Who knew you couldn't make fun of someone else's deity? He did invent the platypus.

We started work at our new school in south Jakarta and things are quite a bit different. Zoe and Caden are not the only blonde children. That is a bonus. They are also not the tallest children in the whole elementary school.

Marni and I are the only two teachers without an accent. Well, there is a girl from Vancouver but I am not sure we can count her. We have to use terms like 'fortnightly' and 'rubbish'. I have introduced terms such as 'hoser' and 'toque' but have yet to educate the others in Canadianisms such as 'Jesus H Christ' and 'For Fuck's Sake!'. I may wait until after Christmas to bring out those bombshells.

I have been assigned a Year 6 (Grade 5) classroom. Cute little kids but they do not understand sarcasm. Losers! I have never had the chance to do everything in a classroom but now I am doing spelling, english and checking journals. I am totally out of my element. But, I think it will be a blessing in disguise. Not really in disguise, just dressed as 4 foot Koreans. Like Ewoks!

This past weekend we had to travel to Singapore for our work visas. We celebrated our 12th anniversary and Zoe's seventh birthday there. We did a very Canadian thing in that we went to 'Snow City' which is a large warehouse filled with a tobogganing hill and slushy snow. The temperature was a balmy -5 which was our first experience with below freezing temperatures since we left. Actually, it is our first experience with temperatures below 25 degrees.

We also hit Universal Studios over our trip. Betty Boop was undeniably Asian and Marilyn Munroe was apparently a transvestite but Kung Foo Panda was exactly as you would have expected. Marni was all cocky when she noticed the local Doo Wop group giving her the eye. When I explained that they did the same to me she was a little more humble. Zoe and I went onto a huge roller coaster and when we finished she had the greatest smile on her face. She wanted to go again! Seven more times later, she had to finally pack it in. Marni only went once....wuss!

So, we are now legal in Jakarta again eagerly awaiting Kathleen's arrival and the end of Ramadan. We will celebrate the Muslin 'Xmas by going to the predominately Hindu island of Bali. I know many of you would envision Bali as paradise. But, if you think that white sand beaches, fabulous food, rainforests and wonderful surf is paradise then........you should come and visit.

Lost in Translation

Marni and I were on the hunt for some badly translated t-shirts while in China. While we never found some for sale, there is a few that we saw on other people that were quite funny.

Basketball is very popular in China. You may be a huge fan of the NBV's Miami HFAT or Orlando MHGIC or the L.A. LACERS. All shirts were very popular.

Maybe you are into exercise. To motivate yourself you live by the mantra 'No Paint, No gain'.

You could be into top designer labels like, Kalvin Clein or Parda.

Then, on the train- not a t-shirt, but in the bathroom you were warned "not to flush while meeting emu". We have no idea what that could have ever meant.

While at the museum in Xian there were signs marking the ancient pottery. All three said "Plate with depiction of bear". Great, meanwhile one plate has a bear, one has a fox and the other a turtle. the explaination in Mandarin was correct, the translation was a tad off.

At the zoo we learned that a Walrus is a large fish found in the amazon river of South America. Hmmm.

Inuit use caribou to pull sleds. Maybe they do.......I don't know.

One of the greatest 'feel good' set of signs we saw were the Stay off the grass signs. They were not that blunt but were messages such as "Budda deserves your peity. Do not destroy the beautiful nature". "The grass brings beauty to your life and should be respected". "Share your environment with others.", etc. There were many others that were wonderful to read.

All these signs were lost on the Chinese, though. At the zoo, the 'Do not feed the animals' sign was followed....unless you talking about the ostrich. Then, you could feed them chips. Or zebra. They were not fed but letting your son piss into there enclosure while almost getting his dick chewed off by a wild donkey was fair game. Oh yah, and Baboons like Sprite. Who knew?

And I did learn how universal teh F-word is while a "Taxi Driver" tried to load our bags into his "cab" at the train station. Zoe got right into it by grabbing the suitcase and pulling it away from him. Caden was truly upset by the man then all the other Cabbies got pissed off at the guy. Then, a legitimate cab offered to take us to the hotel. Mental note....blonde kids crying is a great way to get anything.....except toys from his parents.

China

It has been a while since a post but we have been blocked by the Chinese govenment. Apparently, the Chairman has not been too accepting of things like facebook because a few bad apples in the middle east.

Anyway, we made our way to China to meet our friend, and fellow teacher, Josh. We first ended up in the city of Nanjing. I guess we were the first white people ever to set foot in the city because we could not sit down and enjoy an ice cream without crowds of people gathering. In fact, the paparazzi has been out in full force during our visit. It is really, the first time we have been offended and aggravated by people.

Highlights of Nanjing: Well, Josh introduced us to many of his Professors and Instructors from University. They were all very friendly and wanted to take us out to dinner. His one professor decided that we needed to be Chinese and told to me that many Chinese will drink until they are drunk at a table. It would be dishonourable to leave the table without being drunk. That was all fine and good except for the fact that he did not venture to look at the alcohol content of Chinese beer. His measely 3% alcohol was no match for a well fed, 170 lb. Canadian. Lets just say the old guy was dishonoured as he fell off his chair and I danced through the restaurant.

We had our first taste of some true Chinese culture while taking a 14 hour train ride to Xi'an. Lets just say that bunk beds and chldren do not mix. We saw some beautiful countryside very reminiscent of Alberta. Xi'an was the capital city of China for many of the major Dynasties, including the first one. We were able to see the famed Terra-cotta Warriors which were a splendor. We were also treated to some marvels at the local museum that featured art from more than 3000 years ago. Interesting to think that 3000 years ago the Chinese were making fine pottery and art and our Natives were still wallowing in mud until 150 years ago.

Off to Beijing on a high speed train. Beijing is a beautiful city. We have visited Tianamen square, the Forbidden City (which, ironically, nobody of forbidden from for the low, low price of 60Yen). I had a meeting with the Chairman but he was at a loss for words. The Beijing zoo, albeit a lack of live animals was okay. THe kids were more the hit then the Pandas. Apparently, blonde children are more endangered then Pandas.

Today, we visited the Great Wall. Absolutely stunning. There is a saying that "You are not a man until you walk on the Great Wall". Well, Caden hit puberty today because that little guy marched his ass off. Good on ya, Little Buddy. We were dealt a reprieve with the locals because there was a two-year old redhead from Michigan to take on the assault.

I will add some more later. Shamus was out in full force, sightseeing these days.

Final Days

This time every year is a strange time for me. Each spring, teachers say goodbye for the summer like it is any other weekend. “Have a great holiday!”. However, in the back of my mind I know that I will be seeing them again in the fall. Really, it’s only two months. Most times, I play some golf, go camping or have a BBQ with the ones that mean a lot to me.

This year, however, is a weird time. The teachers I am saying goodbye to are leaving for Spain, Germany, Canada and South Africa. One teacher is heading to Thailand- so he’ll still be in the neighbourhood. Chances are, I will not see them ever again- and like always, its just a simple “Goodbye!”.

To make matters worse, the school is being packed up. Literally. Air conditioners, white boards, bookshelves, everything. They have purchased 1600 boxes to get the packing done and think there might be more then 2000 by the time all the stuff is packed. In my science lab alone there must be more then 50.

Today, they started to take the playground equipment down. Not such a bad thing although Caden was playing on the swings as they started. He began to cry. This whole thing is really tough on all of the kids in the school.

Tomorrow, we have to say goodbye to the security guards, the ‘Bees’ and all of the Indonesian staff that has been so wonderful to us. They have a difficult situation. Many of them have been here since the school opened over 20 years ago. Packing up their school is really wearing on them. To top it all off, after they are done packing they are all fired. Nice.

One nice thing is that the grade 9 and 10 class invited all of their teachers out for a great dinner. They met us at the door, walked us to the tables, bought wine (not the cheap shit, either) and beer for all of us, etc. All in all, I’ll bet they dropped $1000 on us. It is a tradition of theirs. After our year, it was exactly what we all needed. It was much better then our actual staff party which included us going to the place where the new school will be, go through the indoctrination and be told how wonderful the new school will be. “What a shame none of you will be part of it” we were told. To top it off, at about 9:00 pm, we were told that the bus was there to pick us up and take us home. That was after we saw two new jugs of beer arrive. We were carted off and the beer was never drank- shame. Let’s just say the kids know how to entertain much better then the adults, around here.

Final Days

We are at school, wrapping up the final few things. I must admit, this is a lot more strange then other years. Instead of just saying "Have a great summer." to colleagues, this year, they are headed to Spain, Germany, back home. There is a good chance I never see those people again. There is no 'Welcome back BBQ' where I get to see old friends.

The 'Bees' are packing up the school to move it to the new venue. Twenty years of dust, roach shit, rat turds, etc. needed to be packed. They wanted to take my chairs but when I said there were still students sitting on them they agreed that was not so convenient. We cannot watch movies- they took the projectors. Many classes have no chairs or desks. There is a soccor ball in the gym....A soccer ball.

In my science lab I am finding many years of old, unlabelled chemicals. In fact, yesterday, I found two bottles of mercury. I haven't seen mercury since I was in junior high. You cannot even have that in a school back home. When I went to see someone about disposing of it they mentioned how they would get me some sand, pour the chemicals into the sand and then dump it out. Wow! When I explained how that would NOT be happening the Indonesian staff went into overdrive to find a proper way of getting rid of it. I did mention that the amount of mercury I had could poison a substantial number of people they were a little more willing to listen.

Today is our awards presentation. It proves to be a success. With 30 awards given out and 42 students there will definiately be some happy kids....or 12 really ticked ones. But, just to make the year end on a fabulous note, I get to give the closing address. Yay me! I was going to use some parts of a speech given by the Dean of Medicine at the U of A but that proved to be a bad idea.

The students are bouncing all over the place. The grade 1 class has no teacher. The other teachers VISA ran out and there has been a revolving door of coverage there. Parents are not impressed. If I was paying $15000 to have my student here, I would be pissed, too.

There are no substitute teachers. Many people have been 'sick' lately and we are supposed to cover their classes. But, often we do not know people are missing and the kids just go and hide in a dark, empty room. I am certain they are behaving themselves.

We move on Saturday. Our apartment is beautiful. We are excited to get to a school that has some idea of normal.

Banking

Allegedly, Indonesia is wrought with fraud. Whether it be through the internet, identity theft or bank fraud. That being said, banking is a pain in the ass. However, I am sure it is not only in Indonesia.

Joint accounts don't exist here. Marni and I having all our money go into one account, while convenient for our banking at home, is not so wonderful here. The bank will only give us one bank card. Great if we are both in the same place.

Can you use a credit card? Only if it from and Indonesian bank. Can I use my debit card? Only if it is issued by a certain bank (never my bank). Many businesses will have three or more debit machines and depending on the card type, they need to pull out the phone line and try again.

Marni and I are trying to book flights to China. Great! China Southern airlines flies directly from Jakarta to Nanjing. We check the website- good price. Except you cannot actually book the flights online. Why? Their website only has limited seats.

So, we phone the airline and I am put on hold for an indefinite amount of time once they realize I speak only english. So, we phone again and hooray, we get service in english (after pressing 2). Then, we get the quote. More expensive then the website. Why? Because we waited a day. So, you cannot book on the website, but when you phone the next day you pay more. Great way to make a profit. Anyway, halfway through the phone call (on skype) the internet goes down. So, no actual tickets, yet.

Another wonderful thing that often happens is that even if you are lucky enough to get tickets for any airline online, they tell you that they cannot process a credit card that is not from Indonesia. Even more fun. Can I get a credit card? Yes, but not from the bank that I am required by NJIS to use.

But, if I am able to use a Canadian credit card I need to pay in person at there office.....in south Jakarta. Basically, our office is in Red Deer, please come down and pay it. But, it is time sensitive, as well. You have 1 hour. Not bad if you actually live in Red Deer.

Three days later, the tickets are getting more expensive. My blood pressure is increasing with every Yen, too.

So, I phone Garuda Airlines that also flies with China Southerm. I am told that if I go to the local branch I will be able to book flights there. Wonderful! I jump on an ojek, drive around the block and go to the Garuda office. When I ask the attendent if I can book a ticket on China Southern he points to the large letters behind him and says "Meester, this is Garuda." After not choking him I explain that I was told they could help me. So, he gave me the phone number to China Southern (which I already had).

Well, to make it short. We did get the tickets. We had to go to a local travel agent. The tickets were not too expensive. So, we are off to China on the 24th.

White people can dance.

Well...Marni performed her play with her Indonesian students, tonight. I tell you, all was great. Treasure Island by a munch of Asians and one Russian is pretty cool. One character sounded like a Jamaican Voodoo lady and another sounded like some strange half-English half-I don't know. But, it was all good.

One of things I am noticing about these students is how robotic they are. I have witnessed it in sports and now in drama. They have a lot of trouble 'flowing'. It seems like they cannot walk and talk when they are playing or acting. It was 'walk-say line, -walk- say line'. Of course the kids were nervous. At least the four students whose parents actually showed up were nervous. The same happens in phys.ed. where they are too robotic to not fall on their face. So, white people are less awkward then at least one group of people.

School is winding down and the kids are getting restless. More so then they do at home, too. We had a pool party on Wednesday and the students hated it! "It's too hot!" Really? Too hot to jump in the olympic sized school pool? Yup, they wanted to sit in the air conditioned library and play video games. Nerds! You can't tell me that any Canadian kids wouldn't give their left nut to hang out for an afternoon in the school pool. Especially since they just thawed out from the harsh winter that you were all bitching on facebook about having. Awwww!! (I spelled that with the sarcasm button).

Another interesting thing about the drama aspect is that our one Mandarin teacher (and soon to be tour guide of China) was quite upset about Marni breaking her leg. When I gave him a dumbfounded look (which, really, is my normal look) I wondered why someone would say "Break a leg, Marni" on the staffroom wall. When I explained what the phrase meant he just shook his head and said "Why is English so confusing? If you want to wish a person good luck, just say good luck." Now I know why China is kicking the rest of the world's ass.

Kota Kinabalu

Marni, the kids and I thought we would get another stamp in our passport by heading to Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia for the weekend. It is on the Island of Borneo- some of the most rustic, wild areas of the world. Cool!

Firstly, Malaysia had all of the best parts of Jakarta AND organization. It was a great place to visit.

The first couple of days we just hung out and did some shopping. A popular gift would be the frog purse. Kind of creepy and even more so when you realize the purse is made from an actual frog. Just hollow it out, add a zipper and call it a purse. So much for donating my body to science....I'm a wallet, baby!

Going through the shops it was evident that Caden could do whatever he wanted to. I turned around and he had stolen a bracelet from one of the stalls. He was honestly picking it up for Fifi (the nanny) but neglected to pay for it. The owner of the shop could have cared less. Tip #1: Take a blonde boy to Malaysia with you. Zoe cannot get away with as much. But, she smiles so well that she appears in many holiday pictures for the droves of Hong Kong tourists in the area. Caden is not as willing to pose for pictures.

We went on a couple of tours. One was a river cruise to see Proboscis monkeys. Caden referred to them as Pocahontas monkeys. Another cute thing he did this weekend. It was amazing to see these monkeys in the wild along with some other macaques. Amazing how fast a local boat driver can spot them when he is being paid. One glaring difference between a tour in Indonesia and one in Malaysia was the fact there were life jackets provided. Indonesians would assume you can swim.

We went to Mt. Kinabalu National Park. A wonderful little place with some of the rarest flowers around. Some of them are found only in that area. Sexy Lady orchids (they have boobs!) can be found, one type of orchid that the guide has only seen three time since 2003 and the smallest orchid in the world. When I asked the guide the name of the smallest orchid he said "The smallest orchid". Sort of like saying "Hey, who is that asshole?". "I don't know, we just call him the Asshole".

Part of the tour included a canopy walk. The kids were troopers until Caden looked down at the highest point of the trek. Then he shrieked and would not proceed. One of the guides had to carry him to the end. They would not let Marni or I do it. But, we have now identified something he is afraid of. He said he was just scared that Mommy would die if she fell. He was really just protecting her, not screaming.

Another part of the tour was to see the worlds largest flower- the Rafflesia. This flower contains no roots, shoots or leaves. It just buds from the ground. It can take 3 months for the bud to open and will only bloom for 5-7 days- once in the plants lifetime. Locally known as the "corpse flower" due to the pungent smell it produces. The locals drove us in a van with no suspension to what I thought would be our death to see this rare flower. Of course, there was a price attached.

After buying some new shoes I left the old ones on top of a dumpster. After 15 min, they were taken by a local to wear. The Salvation Army in action.

I am sure there are more stories and I will fill you in later.

Taiwan

Apparently, wake-up calls are simply a suggestion. Then, it is the chaperons job to put food and water into a students’ mouth. It may even be better for us to insert an IV so that they will not have to waste the energy on chewing.

This morning, a student who was late for the bus looked at me and said “Meester, I am hungry. When will we stop to get food?”. I asked him if he ate at the wonderful buffet that was free in the hotel. “No, I was sleeping.” was his answer. I have no sympathy for that.

We had a crisis with a student cramping up. He is a bit of a hypochondriac at the best of times but this was legit. He collapsed outside of his room with his leg straight out. By the time I returned to the hotel he was packed in a taxi ready to go to the hospital. After another teacher talked him out of the cab we were able to get him some water and other food. He mentioned that he had drunk nothing but coke all day. I guess it is hard to get your electrolytes when your head is buried in your crotch staring at your video game console, all day.

The students are starting to grab a clue, though of most life skills. They are careful of their own luggage, staying together and taking care of one another. One day, they will realize that their nannies will not be everywhere with them.

We have been visiting the night markets in Taiwan for the last couple of nights. Where else can you find such things to snack on as sheep brains, hearts, intestine and what not? You may think I am making this up…..nope.

This crappy train is only doing 252 km/h. I don’t know why we are slowing down from the ever-so-gentle 296 km/h.

Today, we will head up to Taipei 101. I think it is the second largest building in the world. Something interesting, when was the last time that something truly amazing was built in Canada? It is amazing to see these high-speed trains, amazing buildings and other innovative structures that we just don’t do. Maybe it is the space we have, financial problems or what, but to see what people are building in these countries is truly wonderful.

We went to an aquarium in the south of Taiwan, yesterday. The place was stunning. They had the most amazing displays and descriptions that I have ever seen. There was a tank that must have been 3 stories tall with kelp beds. There was a two or three story tank that had a model shipwreck. It explained the process and life that is found at the various levels. They also had a Beluga whale that popped a boner on command. Very impressive indeed, Mr. Whale.

Travelling with Privileged children

We arrived in Taipei last night and during the flight check-in and throughout the trip I was amazed at some of the goings-on.

Initially, we are barely off the bus and a couple of our Korean students realized they have forgotten their KITAS. Basically, that is the document that allows them leave and re-enter the country. That is not a big issue. If you “pay” the immigration officer for his “service” then you have no issues. Apparently, $20 is the number.

I was amazed at the number of students who have not been part of the check-in experience. Typically, they have their drivers check-in, drop off the bags and fill out the paperwork. Then, the kids just walk in through immigration.

This morning, we needed to catch the high-speed train to some place that ends in ‘ing’. We are leaving our main bags at the hotel to come back in two days. We would then travel with a small amount of clothes in our carry-on for the next two nights. Well, many of the ladies were close to leaving their luggage at the hotel because they assumed someone else would grab it for them. Then, to top off the morning we had to ‘walk’ to the ‘station’ to catch the ‘public transit’. These were of course English words that were foreign to many of our students.

On the way to the train station the young man walking beside be asked if he could buy clothes in the new city we were heading to. It turned out he did not understand directions and did not pack any clothes. I fail to see what he actually put in his backpack, but it was not his bathing suit. That’s okay. He said he will just buy new clothes.

We have a number of Muslim students that did not eat last night because they were unsure if their food would have been mixed with pork. Being one of God’s chosen people I understand their struggle. Even I fall prey to a Kosher hotdog at Costco.

Many of the students are struggling with actually keeping tabs on their stuff. The teacher that is leading the trip put a student in charge of one of his bags. The student did not think that a $4000 trumpet was something that needed to be removed from carry-on. It was fine to bring it on the plane, but someone else would have taken it off.

I had to change rooms because a couple of kids phoned their mom and told them they were in room 804. Apparently, they were going to die if they stayed there. Mom phoned all in a panic so to appease her I moved. So, the girls stayed in room 824. I guess half-dead is better then totally dead. The same girls, today, were late getting off the bus because they need to use their ‘special’ sunscreen instead of the stuff the rest of us use.

Some initial thoughts on Taiwan. I don’t understand many of the strange customs such as signalling before making a turn, not using the horn to communicate all driving moves and having clearly marked police vehicles. In fact, I saw a fire station. It is honestly the first station I have seen since being in Asia.

We went to a night market and our travel agent bought me some of the famous tofu that is produced in Taiwan. After eating it, the only way I can describe it is the taste you get in your mouth when walking into a pig barn. Dad will know what I mean. Seriously, though, I did not get the ‘tastes like Xmas morning’ or ‘apple pie’ feeling. It was totally, De Creeks farm.

There is also this strange Asian smell. Not in the air outside, though. I get it in Jakarta, too. It happens when you walk into stores and other buildings. I don’t know how to describe it. But it smells like Asian. Weird.

Kartini Day

Tomorrow is Kartini Day. You should be wondering "What can I do to celebrate this wondrous event?". I would say to you " First, you must find a small animal, slit it's throat and let it bleed to death in the living room.". However, I would be telling you a lie. Kartini Day is a celebration of the woman who promoted the education of women in Indonesia. What's next- letting them drive? Such primitive people.

I learned something interesting the other day from a Muslim cab driver. I asked him what the deal was with the scarves that the women are supposed to wear. He told me it was because men would 'think' differently if they see a women who is uncovered. I was skeptical when he talked of men 'thinking'. However, it really makes sense. Because men think with their peckers they cover their women from head to toe with scarves. It all makes sense, now. And....now that the French government has started with the ban on head scarves we will see a decrease in French productivity. So much for the liberation of Libya. Plus, I know my mind has been rendered useless after watching 30 seconds of Jersey Shore. I guess Muslim reasoning is not too far off.

Today was a great day. I wasn't feeling well at school so I tackled traffic and took the 25 steps to the apartment to have a snooze. As I was laying on the couch I was able to watch a LIVE Blue Jays baseball game. It felt like I was back home in my living room on a Saturday afternoon- except for Marni asking me stupid baseball questions like "Who scored the last touchdown?" and whatnot. Obviously Marni is not in charge of proofreading these blogs. I'm just taking Oprah's advice and keeping a journal of my innermost thoughts, Honey. We all know Oprah is never wrong- except about the cattle industry in Texas.

Right this second, Caden is watching a show on Animal Planet about Kopi Lewak. That is the 'Catshit' coffee that they grow in Indonesia. I think it tastes like ass- but that is just me.

I am off to Taiwan next week for a school trip. I am looking forward to it. Stamps in the passport. That is what Marni and I are after around here.

No word on the school for next year. They are still negotiating with landowners as we speak. Funny to think that our owner pulls out roughly $6 million/year from his 'Non-profit' school in Shanghai. Another $3-million from Capetown. Education is definitely a business over here.

Happy Easter. We are craving Mini-eggs, here. We cannot find them. However, Crunchie bars in Australia were a welcome treat.

The Art of Management

Spring break is over and we are now thrust into the unstable reality that is school. The 'Owner' of the school has been around for a couple of weeks and this morning was the first time I bumped into him. My students were wondering who the 'New Guy' was, last week as they don't know who he is. The ownership is still trying to buy some land to build a new school. Apparently, buying land in Jakarta is not simple. Most large parcels of land are owned by the city and you need to provide an explanation as to what you want to do with it and how it will benefit the city. It makes sense but is taking a lot longer then expected. Although, with the group of clowns running this operation I would think they may never get the land.

Unfortunately, they are still stringing the parents along. "There is still hope.". "Stick with us. The future is bright.". Sadly, many parents are so naive that they are not finding alternative arrangements for their child's schooling.

All I know is that if Marni and I had chosen to stay there would be fists flying. The teachers that have signed on to stay are still without any answers as to what will happen next year.

That said, the mango trees on campus are providing fruit for students during recess. Whoda thunk that I would be watching students use floor hockey sticks to knock down fruit from a tree. Although, what else would you expect from Indonesians?

Australia

For spring break, Marni and I decided that going somewhere 'home-like' would be a nice treat. We thought that heading to Australia would be a nice thing to do. When we realized how expensive it would be to find accommodations we then decided it would be a cool treat to rent a campervan (RV) and do some camping.

Getting there was uneventful. Although, the old lady behind me on the plane was really cranky about all the people who had to line up beside her to use the toilet. She was really pissy about the whole thing. Apparently, my size 10 feet are so grossly huge that I managed to step on her feet at least three times. It seems that it was the first time her big ass had been in a plane.

I could not believe the number of Aussie's that would fly from Bali to Perth. After spending a week in the area I have no idea why they would leave. The whole western coast is like the Okanogan with better beaches. It is absolutely stunning.

We rented the RV that we thought was going to be a small mini-van type for the four of us. Somehow, the paperwork confirmed us a 26-foot RV. That is all fine and good except it would really put a cramp in cruising around the city. Kind of like when Mom would lend me the K-Car for cruising chicks. Also, the fact that I had to drive on the left-side of the road also made it a tad tricky. Add to that the idea that I have not actually driven a car since the day we left for Jakarta would also put an interesting spin to the trip. All-in-all, everything went well. The driving was uneventful.

One of our first stops was the town of Bunbury. Nothing too exciting. I did snap a couple of cricket pics for the old man. Somebody heeds to show those kids how to throw a baseball, though. Then we walked across the street to the beach where we immediately saw a pod (Yes, a pod) of dolphins. I have pet them, had them do tricks and kissed them- but, to see them jumping on their own in the ocean was something special.

The next day we found a town called Yallingup. Really, it's like Jasper without a bar. It is nothing but a surfing town. Amazing beaches, tons of wineries and some other cool things to do. We stopped in at a sheep farm and quickly realized why all those Scottish/sheep jokes exist. Did you know that sheep have no upper teeth? I'll just let you put those last two sentences together in any way you like.

I did not get to shear a sheep (although I think one winked at me), but I did get volunteered to do a lot of the demonstration. Zoe got to be a Jackaroo. We were also given a brief description of the working dogs- "If a dog looks like that (man points at Boarder Collie), it herds the sheep!". "If it looks like that (points to some brown dog) it walks on sheep! Get it?" Very informative.

One of the children watching the show ate sheep shit.

One of the brilliant ideas adopted by the Aussie's are public BBQ's. They are not like the crappy hibachi's that we have in the Elks park, or something. These are propane BBQ's that are always full and clean. They are also used a lot. What a great idea! We need more parks with public BBQ's. Oh, and these people live up to the stereotype of 'shrimp on the barbee'.

After me swerving all over the road for five days we finally saw a kangaroo. We happened to stop at a random winery to let the kids stretch their legs and on the way back we spotted one in a farmers field. It made my trip. After that, I could focus on the road. Marni can work a GPS but spotting 'Roos is not a strength.

Caden met a girlfriend. He came running out of a playground with this little girl in tow and raced her to another part of the park. Her name was Grace. He spoke of her often.

Shamus has now seen another continent. Lucky little Leprechaun.

I am officially the proud owner of a 'Roo-skin hat.

We came home to a nice clean house that was spruced up by the hired help.

There, of course were many other highlights of the trip which we will share with you later. Right now, I am happy that we could smuggle in four bottles of wine.

Just some stuff....

Just a few things that have been happening, lately. To start, obviously the earthquake in Japan dod not effect us. We are still alive and I don't think that anything even happened to Jakarta. Our dinner plans were changed, though. Marni and I were planning on heading to downtown Jakarta but plans changed when the tsunami warning was given to Indonesia. We weren't scared- we just didn't want to get caught downtown in case there was flooding. Jakarta drivers are like Edmonton drivers. If there is a raindrop then everyone slows down.

There is some concern about the radiation, here. Not by rational people, but the students are worried about radioactive rain. I told them that living in Jakarta, whenever it does rain it is already polluted. A little radiation never killed anyone. At least you can't prove it.

I am still waiting to feel an earthquake. In fact, I am interested finding out what one feels like.

There has been no news regarding what will happen to the school, next year. Parents are looking for back-up plans for their kids- which they should. It seems truly unfair that our management is not honest with the parents. But, like life, if you don't talk about a problem it doesn't exist.

Many of the other teachers have lined up other jobs for next year. One is headed to Spain, two are going to Germany and another couple are headed to Cape Town. I must say I am a little jealous. We get to stay in this haven of beauty, Jakarta. But, if it is good for Barack Obama, it is good enough for me.

Marni, the kids and I are heading to Australia for spring break. Spring break is kind of a strange term, here because there is no spring. We have rented a campervan and will be doing some camping. It is no Boler but it will have to do. I am a little scared of driving there. For one, I haven't driven in eight months. And two, I will have to drive on the opposite side of the road. I am sure everything ill be fine. We are all excited to see kangaroos, wide-open spaces and white people. Marni is really excited about cheap wine.

Sorry for the lack of wittiness in this post. We had parent- teacher interviews this week and I used up all my good jokes on people who don't speak decent English.

Thunder rolls....

Marni and I decided that a weekend was needed in our new favourite place- Lombok.

After catching a flight that was 1 hour late we were a bit on edge but "What the hell?". After flying through a thunderstorm I was really hoping that the pilot had a God to pray too. Everyone else on the plane was wiping tears and holding hand. Caden was laughing and yelling about how much fun he was having as the plane was falling out of the sky. But it was a controlled fall, thankfully.

Anyway, we arrived in Lombok and have been having a great time since.

A few things of note:

Just because they sell bikinis does not mean you should buy one. There are many Europeans here and lets just say there should be a weight restriction on bikinis. I saw one lady- sad, really- she needed a cane to walk, weighed about 250 lbs......BIKINI! Really? Like watching a car crash.

Of all the things that made Marni and I homesick, today...the smell of freshly cut grass. Both of us were walking through the hotel grounds and caught a whiff. Talk about something that we missed. Whoda thunk? Too bad you all have about 4 feet of snow and three months to worry about that.

The sound of crashing waves is really getting annoying. I know all of you are sitting in a deep freeze back home but think about this- would you really be missing me if you were sitting on a beach in Mexico? I thought so.

Zoe, Caden and I had a great time playing in the waves and beach out front of our hotel, today. We must have played for two hours. It was wonderful. We build a sand castle and had to protect it from the waves with a stone wall. My job was to fight the current to find rocks which was more difficult then one would assume.

I am currently looking at a Dutch lady who looks like a man. No, really, she is very......handsome?
Would that be an appropriate term. Also, I am in the hotel lounge doing my bit to get a deal (thanks, Kathleen). If I have two drinks I get two free hours of internet. Just trying to save a dollar. So far I have 12 hours free.

We all got to hold sea turtles, today. The hotel raises them and for $4, we can adopt on and release it into the wild. I am sure for another $5 you can buy the seagull to protect your investment. For the money, I am sure we will be releasing a couple of turtles by the end of the weekend. Just as a note, they do speak like Aussie surfer dudes similar to 'Finding Nemo'.

The Indonesian 'Mariachi Band' played 'Wonderful Tonight' by Clapton to us tonight. They did without request, too. It was special.

I have a bit of a sunburn and I hope you all feel sorry for me as the winter drags on.

With different forms and levels of love,

Cam

A new one

As I am sitting here watching Phineas and Ferb I thought I would update y'all with some new events.

Marni and I accepted positions with a New Zealand based school here in Jakarta. So far, Marni will be teaching grade 5 and I will be teaching grade 6. Obviously my sarcasm was not conveyed well enough throughout the interview process that the Principal felt I could be respectful of young children. Then, to top it all off they want me to be a Vice-Principal. Apparently, times are tough in New Zealand.

I went to see Iron Maiden last night. A couple things stand out. First, being a Bule and a non-Muslim is beautiful. There are no line-ups for the beer tent and I am taller then everyone else so I had a great view. I saw a guy that must have been 6'8" and he was the luckiest bastard in the place. Secondly, seeing guys absolutely rock out to some amazing songs is awesome. However, when you think of my father in spandex playing the drums the experience gets a little underwhelming.

I started going to the local gym. I figured for the $7 per month a guy could afford to get into some shape. It is quite the experience to see these strange, machines of malice that I have no idea about what body part they work out. Then, with all of the cheap labour you would think they could organize the weights. They are laying all over the floor and are a mix of Kg and lbs. You have to pick up a variety of dumbells in order to find a good weight.

Marni and I have been enjoying the 'Ojeks'. Those are the scooter-taxis around Jakarta. For a dollar we can get wherever we want in the area. Funny, though- the drivers always slow down around their friends when Marni is on the back. They are showing off their Bule passenger.

The students have been having their eyes glued to the canals around the streets because during the rain if they overflow, they all get to go home. It is sort of like a snow day back home. Apparently too, when they overflow you see fish swimming through the streets. We found a crab on campus and the most plausible explanation is that it crawled from the canal into the school.

I saw a guy walking around the area wearing, of all things- a Maple Leafs hat! Sadly, even he hanged is head in shame when I asked him how he felt about the Phaneuf trade.

Anyway, things are still going on. Life is just "normal" around here- if anything is normal, here.

Aaargh...the waiting

I know you must be checking daily to see if there is another fabulous, poignant entry into my blog. But, alas, life around here is simply normal. Normal?

If normal is seeing a family of five with only one set of teeth between them, then life is normal.

If normal is people trying to rip me off after I ask them any question, then life is normal. While Marni and I were in Lombok (the Island next to Bali which I would highly recommend) I was offered a taxi ride to the airport. When I asked the driver 'How much?', his answer was Rp 70 000. I told him it was only Rp 57 000 to get to the hotel from the airport. "Okay" he says, "I'll do it for that much." Turns out, it was actually only a Rp. 40 000 ride with the meter on. Bastards!!

However, it is nice becoming familiar with the local costs of things. When arriving in Jakarta I now know it is only a $12 cab ride from the airport to the school. The local cabbies will offer you a ride for $20.

It is amazing how protective of money you do get simply out of principle. I took an Ojek (scooter taxi) to the hospital. He charged me Rp 10 000 (about a buck). I tried to haggle him down to Rp 7000. What the hell am I thinking fighting over 30 cents? But is principle, dammit! I gave him the Rp 10 000 after he drove the wrong way down a one way road. I figured that was ballsy. Yes, Mom, I was wearing a helmet. I am sure I have lice, now.

If normal is teaching a class of three on a regular basis, then life is normal. We had to combine two grades together for gym class so the teacher could actually play a game of 4-on-4 basketball.

Anyway, I thought I would give you all a little sample of our life, here. People keep asking if I am getting homesick. The answer is no. I think I talk to many of you more then I did before. Of course, my daily dose of Kathleen keeps me going.

Love (or at least a strong like) to all.

Lies

It turns out I was quite the fat bastard back in Canada or I have picked up a parasite. In fact, both are probably true. Since arriving in August I have lost around 15 pounds. I guess sweating your bag off, eating nothing but chicken and rice and getting the shits weekly can really shed the pounds. With losing all of this weight comes a couple of things:

1) My golf clubs aare now metric. In Indonesia, golf distance is measured in metres. So, when my supple, saintly caddie whispers softly into my ear "Meester, you are 125 away.", I had to do some math in my head. But now that I am wasting away I have increased my distance and now don't have to do the math. That will suck when I return to Canada- unless I bring a caddie with me (which many of them would be happy to do).

2) All of my pants do not fit. But, be not concerned, my friends. Fifi and Lasmi hooked me up with a wonderful little tailor. In fact, he is so good he makes house calls....on his bike....with a foot powered sewing machine like Oma had. After some saavy negotiations (by Fifi) I had the tailor taking all of my shorts in for $2 a pair. Highway (or back alley) robbery, I tell you! I know have a new wardrobe for about $15. Yay me.

Here are some of the interesting observations that I made, however. Mr. Bike entrepeneur measured my waste at 36 inches. He then proceeded to take 3 1/2 inches off all of my shorts (Yes, ladies, it not all about pounds. Size does matter). The strange thing is that my shorts were sold to me at the size of 34 inches! What, the fashion industry is dishonest? How could I be three inches smaller and still measure a 36? Hmmmm. So, essentially, I am a 30-32 inch waist, at home. Sorry Dad....Mom is not shrinking your clothes.

Holiday's end

We are winding down our Xmas holidays. We decided to take an impromptu trip to Yogyakarta. It is a city in central Java that is home to the largest Buddhist temple in the world. Just a pile of rocks, really. But, an impressive pile of rocks from the 8th century.

Some funny things that have been happening. Caden has started to have 'meetings' with Vic. It will start with Caden saying in the sweetest little voice "Boompa, could you tell me about Ironman?". Caden can remember every detail and he knows if you make a mistake. Boompa and I had to by Ironman 1 and 2 just to make sure we had the story correct.

Another story that has impressed Caden and will continue to impress the masses is when he says "Let me tell you about Baby Jesus." It is a very sad story where Jesus (who is a she) trips three times while carrying some wood. And, because the king hates Jesus they nail him (her) to the wood, lift her up and she dies. Kind of cute except that should not be an opening line of too many conversations.

Vic is a the look-alike to an Australian movie star. I am sure a very famous one. But, Indonesians do know who Kenny Rogers is, too.

One of the humbling experiences with our little trip was a tour around Mt. Merapi, the volcano that erupted in October. To see the amount of devastation and loss is quite a site to see. Strangely, what is happening now is their are companies digging up the volcanic sand and selling it to the people. There are scads of gravel trucks filled with the 'lehar' to create profit. To hell with people's homes, get the sand! It is sad to see people that had nothing have less than that after all this is done. It was good to see homes with large cisterns with American Red Cross stickers carrying fresh water in some of the areas. It shows that some of your donation money is put to good use. However, where most of that money goes is anyone's guess.