Indonesian principles

The family and I have been here for over a year, now and we are becoming more and more Indonesian. We are in process of learning the language and have started to wear jackets when the temperature plummets under 28 degrees.

With the start of the xmas season I thought I would share a few traditions that we will be bringing home with us.

Camels- Christmas needs less Christ and more camels.

The kids had joined us in slowly walking from one escalator in the mall to the other in a strategically staggered fashion. We walk slow enough that you cannot possibly pass us before the next escalator. We think that it develops patience.

Also dealing with escalators, the malls here are so large that you must gaze at the marvels surrounding you....at the top of the escalator. That way, too, everyone else behind us can enjoy the same splendor we do. One must really stop and smell the roses more often. So why not do it while your toes are being smashed into the person in front of you and getting felt up from behind?

We will start giving everybody driving instructions. Our lives in the west are so regimented rules and protocol that driving should make a person feel free. So go where you want, when you want at whatever speed you want. That said though, I have not been in a car in Jakarta that has gone 50km/h. Realize too, honking your horn has many meanings from "stop" to "go" to "get the hell out of my way" to "please, feel free to cross in front of me, it is safe". Marni and I will brief you on the differences.

We will make sure that visible minorities do not feel segregated. When see them will yell, hoot, point and take pictures of them. What better way could there be to make them feel like one of us?In fact, why wait? When you see Africans, touch there heads, Asians, make funny eye shapes and yell at them. Let them know that they are different and you love that about them. Spread the love, people, it's almost Christmas!

Jakarta Petting Zoo

Another 'Killing an Animal' Holiday is upon us. Marni and I noticed, last week, the number of local petting zoos were springing up all over. This morning, many of them are empty. Hmmm??

Yesterday, there were some locals 'recycling' in our compound. Recycling here consists of throwing all of your shit away and someone with a pull cart comes around and pick through all the good stuff. However, good stuff here is relative. These people probably live on less than a dollar a day. AND....they have a smile on their face. Truly fascinating.

Anyway, with our local recyclers were two goats. Poor little things had know idea what was about to happen to them. I asked the men if I could take some picture (I am learning more Indonesian so I tried it on them...."Boleh, kana saya picture, anda?" "Hell ya, Misterrrr!" they answered. Then they scurried around to look busy. Actually, I just wanted a picture of the goats.

When I pointed to the goats (who happened to be chewing on a burger wrapper that I probably threw out) and made the classic 'knife across the throat' gesture, they all smiled and said "Yessss". The one man then gave his goat a little rub behind the ears. That may have been to tenderize it, too. I am not sure if ears are good eating. In Asia, though.....it's all good. Today we saw many of the staff members sorting out piles of meat into plastic bags. One can only assume it was our two little goats from the night before.

Anyway, to put this in perspective for you. Do you remember in "The Godfather" when the one character wakes up next to the horse head? Well, we saw the guy who actually places the horse head on his pillow, today. He had a wonderfully crocheted bag filled with the head of a cow....on his scooter. Just so nonchalont about it. Why wouldn't you be carrying the head of another mammal around?

Trunk or treating

Sorry, Mr. Bruce. Something happened with the loading of this and I know you are sad and disappointed with the lack off the post. Those words alone probably do not describe your feelings, though.

We had interesting Halloween, in Jakarta. First off, Indonesians are very skiddish about ghosts and spirits. They do take Halloween seriously and many do not participate. However, being at in international school we like to celebrate all cultures...and sell beer in the process.

Our parents group set up a family dance in our undercover area. It is like a steel shed without the sides. Like where cows would be kept. They decorate it all up to be spooky and play 'Thriller' about eight times in three hours.

But, because it is Jakarta and getting together in family groups is difficult, over 350 people showed up. It was wonderful.

Costume of the night has to be a little boy dressed as a knight. He says to a friend that he is an "invincible knight". I questioned his credibility when I noticed his nanny was carrying the sword. Sort of took away some of his toughness, I thought.

Some glaring differences, though. Instead of going from house to house (security would not let you through the gate) for candy, the parents set up their cars and vans so the kids can go from vehicle to vehicle. Hence the 'trunk or treat'. The drivers happily hand out candy to the kids and then probably go to the school musholla and pray that the spirits will not suck out their soul.

Secondly, instead of worrying about the snow and ice, we have to worry about the deluge that can strike at anytime. Of course, it did, too. Luckily, we could all fit in the covered area and neighbouring classrooms. This is not your average thunderstorm. You have never heard thunderstorms like you would, here. It is insane. The rain is also the most intense rain you have ever seen. But, within an hour after stopping, everything is dry and ready to go.

Some prizes won by the family, Caden with best lower primary dancer. The kid can shake it! Marni and I won two bottles of vino for best teacher dance. Apparently, Brits and Aussie's have now idea how to jive. When they asked how we knew how to do that I had to explain that we all know. It's part being Canadian....like eating timbits. Then I had to explain timbits. When I explained that we used timbits to hunt moose, they were really confused.

Krakatau

I will write this now since it has already happened and Mom can't be freaking out. We decided that for some silly reason we would go camping. That was great- a chance to roast some imported marshmallows from Singapore, drink some warm Bintang beer by a fire and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. So, where will one do this? At the bottom of a volcano... that is active... and experiencing tremors...and currently smoking and spewing boulders!

Ah yes, my friends. Just a short boat ride from a nearby coastal town will get you at the base of a volcano known around the world because of the largest recorded eruption known to mankind. Allegedly so loud that it was heard in Australia, nearly 4000km away. Krakatoa was actually three volcanoes that were connected as one large island. But, in 1883, blew the shit out of two and a half of them. Krakatoa is dormant and only half of it is left. Wuss!

But, in the place of one of the previous volcanoes lies 'Anak Krakatau' (Son of Krakatoa and Caden's new nickname) which, only last week, was banned from public visits due to its nasty demeanor. In 1927, this Anak Krakatau grew from the ocean and is now a popular tourist attraction..... yay, for us!

Beautiful black sand beaches. White sand is for beotches! Black sand is way nicer. Decent coral reefs and enough pumis stone even Marni can have soft feet. And.....no mosquitoes! We were able to climb a significant way up the slope to the crater. The tour guide telling us when some of the most recent explosions had happened (last Tuesday being mentioned). As well, the same day as the earthquake in Bali, there were eight or nine tremors on the island. Bali gets all the fun stuff.

One nice thing when we camped is that we were joined by a group of French tourists that were on a tour of different volcanoes in the region. We all felt much safer because, as history has shown, any time there is an explosion or projectiles falling from the sky, the French are the first to leave.

Living in Jakarta too long.

One of my friends posted this in Facebook. I thought I would share some of the

• When after every sentence you say ... Iyaaahh!
• You too believe traffic lanes, stop signs and one way streets are mere suggestions and that sidewalks were meant to drive on or they wouldn't have paved them.
• You can drive 60 km/h two inches from cars on either side of you, but cannot back into a parking space in an empty lot without two guys yelling “Kiri…Kiri Terus, Terus, Terus…”
• You can kill cockroaches with your bare feet
• The footprints on the toilet seat are your own
• You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue
• You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day
• You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift
• It has become exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anybody else can get off
• You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go to within a kilometer of at home
• It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting
• You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply “up to you mister”
• You no longer wonder how someone making US$200 per month can drive a Mercedes
• You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue
• You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car
• You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the plane is on final approach
• You think the Proton and Kijang are stylish and well built cars
• You answer the telephone with “Hello” more than 2 times
• You are quite content to repeat your order six times in a restaurant that only has four items on the menu
• A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine
• If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the Air Traffic Controllers
• You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different
• You're not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb
• Taxi drivers understand you
• You own a rice cooker
• Due to selective memory you honestly believe you could return to the western world
• You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your pants
• When crossing a busy street you believe that a limp wrist motion with your right arm creates a force field that repels oncoming traffic
• You think it's logical to dry your hands with Kleenex
• When dining with your family at a mexican restaurant, the table next to you is occupied by an overweight, bald, fifty-something Australian petroleum worker who has each of his arms around a teenaged Sundanese girl
• You find yourself getting upset with inflation because the price of the buffet in a five-star hotel is now nearly ten dollars
• Going out for a drink with your coworker, he shows up with his girlfriend, even though you are on a first name basis with his wife
• There is no discount for what is clearly a demo model
• A gaggle of teenage girls swoon as you walk by
• The cute looking girls in Singapore seemingly pay you no notice whatsoever
• McDonald's is out of hamburgers and KFCs is out of chicken
• You ask a person taking your order, “Do you have cheeseburgers?” and the server responds, “Yes, we do.” And so you say, “OK, I'll order a cheeseburger.” And the server says, “I'm sorry, we're out of cheeseburgers.”
• You can walk into a five-star hotel lobby unshaven, in jogging shorts, ratty t-shirt and flip-flops and DON'T get an awkward glance from the management.
• A bathroom with four attendants is so disgustingly filthy that you wouldn't step into it back home ... and one of those attendants sole job is to hand you flimsy, single-ply toilet paper to dry your hands.
• You look left, right, backwards, forwards, up and down before crossing a one way street.
• You've seen every hollywood blockbuster three weeks before its premier
• You pick your nose in public
• You take a book to read on the journey to work ( thank you for that one Mr Cook)
• You consider an 18 year old getting on a bit
  
• Your current girlfriend is younger than your daughter
• The titles "Mr. Bob" and "Miss Barbara" begin to sound normal to you
• You stop wondering why the concept of turning lanes never occurred to traffic engineers in Jakarta
• You stop wondering if the concept of traffic engineers ever occurred to anyone in Jakarta
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you fish the fly out with a spoon and drink it anyway
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you drink it fly and all. (That's how you know you have really been in Indonesia too long).
• you are no longer confused when you are asked if you want some 'beep bacon' (beef bacon) with your eggs.

Excuses

Working for the winners of society certainly has its privileges. Educating children that are catered to, nannied, driven and basically coddled since birth has allowed me to experience some of the finest excuses from physical education I have ever been privy to.

Yesterday, I had the honor of getting four parents' notes regarding why their sons could not participate in swimming.

Excuse #1: My son is still having ear infections and the doctor tells him he should not go swimming. Okay, this one is legitimate. After doing some more digging the child has had tubes in his ears when he was younger. They have been causing him trouble. Fine.

Excuse #2: There is some disease in Indonesia that makes this student throw up when he showers in cold water. The boy explained that he also tends to throw up when he eats too much. My answer to him was "Yah, it's called eating too much!". I also followed it up with a "I'm not a doctor but I think that is a stupid diagnosis. Get a second opinion."

Excuse #3: Getting better.... This boy (who, last week, missed two days of classes due to growing pains) came to me in the morning with a mommy note saying " My little Douchebag* son can not swim because he has been complaining of earaches.". Great. He later came to me and needed to go to the bathroom because he has had bleeding in his ears. Getting more legitimate. When I asked to look in his ear he had a scratch from his finger nail! I told him to keep his finger out of his ear. He also told me he suffers from nose bleeds. My answer to him "It's caused by the same finger."

Excuse #4: This was the best one yet. After years of girls having 3 weeks of menstruation in a month when teaching junior high this one has to be the lamest excuse.
Note from mom "Please excuse my little Pussy of a son* from swimming because he is a bit tired." Are you f#$king kidding me? Its a Monday morning- who isn't tired?
Anyway, as I probed the boy (no, I don't work in a Catholic school) for more information he mentioned he has been losing a lot of blood lately. Oh shit- another ear scratch! Possibly ebola? Oh, no...the student says he has been losing blood from his gums while brushing his teeth. WHAT?! Somebody find me a dentist and see if you can become anemic from brushing too hard. To solve his ailment I recommended a softer toothbrush.

Mom, I'm going to need a handful of notes when you come at Christmas.

*To protect their identity, the names of Pussy's and Douchbags have been changed.

Haircut

I have found a new love.

At the PAXI barbershop across street is my new best friend, Unang. The man is like Edward Scissorhands. He may actually be the Chuck Norris of barbers- just glaring at my head until the hairs couldn't resist and simply break off at the appropriate length. In fact, if it wasn't for the hair hitting the floor around me I wouldn't even know he was touching my head.

He stares at the mirror and measures the length of my hair to the proportion of my ears as if DaVinci was going to critique him. I hope he noticed that my eyes are crooked and my nose is bent.

An errant hair was caught on my brow, gentle Unang whisked it away with nary a flick of his hand.

Then comes the shoulder massage. Unang performed some sort of Voodoo magic and pulled demons from my spine with his firm hands. By the time he finished my hands were tingling (and my pants may have been wet).

The first I went to him I opted for my first straight shave, ever. I came out of it with the skin of a newborn child. I think the hair was so afraid of Unang that it stayed in my face for three days.

So I am developing some new tourism ideas for Indonesia. Men, grow your hair long and visit Unang for a shave and a haircut, play some golf with 19 year-old girls carrying your clubs, and drink your face off for about $12. Women, getting touched by Unang may make you want to leave your husbands. I suggest you be careful. The power and grace in the mans hands could shake your foundations and his 'Blue Steel' gaze will make you melt to a puddle. It is a Pandora's box of manliness.