Are you f@&$ing serious?

Christmas holidays are here. Mom and Dad showed up unscathed. All seems great.

Let me tell you about our trip to Bali.

First, web check in. Sounds wonderful. New addition to AirAsia.

Call cab to pick us up at 8:00.

8:30 family is walking across the street to catch a cab because said cab has not shown up. "sorry, Meester" .

10:25- arrive at airport for 10:35 flight to Bali. Told because I had used the web check in I would have to purchase six new tickets. 10:26- security arrives after I slammed my hands on the counter telling the attendant that the plane would take off late because no AirAsia flight has ever taken off on time. After being told that they had closed the gate and we could not get on, my blood pressure rises some more. Mental note and real pisser- the plane did not take off until 10:52.... So, it was late.

After only paying a service fee, we were able to get new tickets on the 1:45 flight out. Good news.

Bad news....that plane was 50 minutes late for arrival. Take off time...3:00.

So, we wasted half a day in Bali. How was I supposed to add to my collection of carved, wooden dick bottle openers?

Had a great time in Bali with the folks.

Going to Jogjakarta with mom and dad.

6:00am flight. Need to leave hotel at 4:00 am. Up at three, have a driver already lined up. The same driver who we had used for the previous three days.

4:00- phone driver to check if he is on his way.

4:15- get in touch with driver who was still sleeping. He says he is half an hour away.

4:23- driver picks us up.

4:24- wonder how much gas is in his tank when the little 'need gas' light comes on. Also wonder if gas stations are open at this early hour. Also wonder why a person who has no gas does not fill up tank the night before. Also wonder why I am being so calm......ahhh....memories of security. Catch more flies with honey. But shit works well, too.

4:45- mom has covered her eyes because she cannot believe how driver is driving. Welcome to Indonesia, mom!

4:55- getting gas. Still need to make the plane.

After almost losing control while hydro planing, driver says we are five minutes away from airport. I tell him it would be a shame to die so close to destination and he slowed down. You're welcome, mom.

5:20- arrive at airport. Unfortunately, there was some construction and I think there was a 20min. Walk to the front gates.

5:30- in line for tickets

Plane takes off ten minutes late.

Don't ask 'Why?'.

Marni and I went out on our date-night, last night. A great little Turkish place up the road. Actual, Turkish...not a doner kebab! Anyway, a nice couple sat down beside us and we got to talking. Turns out, the man was a Principal at a local, Indonesian public school. To make things better, he was Canadian! From BC, mind you, but still Canadian.

He was soon to return to Canada to do some recruiting and he asked Marni and I what he should include in a presentation about teaching in Jakarta. Our answer, "Don't ask why anything is the way it is." That question could drive you crazy.

A couple examples, recently. The manpower department has recently decided that they need to have all of our teachers university transcripts in order to renew their work permits. It doesn't matter that all of these teachers have already received work permits and are simply renewing them. They had been approved in the past, but now they government does not believe itself. That may seem easy to overcome, except our Principal has been teaching for 30 years and her college doesn't exist anymore.

Another teacher had taken a number of history modules in her last year of University. The module names: Sorcery and Witchcraft, Hollywood, just to name a few. It may be tough to sell yourself as a teacher when those are the modules the Indonesian government will see. One of the other wonderful things is that all the transcripts needed to be translated into Indonesian. I am certain that will happen smoothly .

Another thing we find around here is the number of restaurants that are out of food. Why? Don't ask. KFC with no chicken, McDonalds with no hamburgers, Bars with no beer. There is a restaurant across the street that has many liquor bottles along their bar. They are all empty. You ask for Scotch- none, wine- not today, Meester. But, decorations....they have many.

We have no gym equipment at our school. Over the last few years much of it has been stolen, kicked over the fence, etc. We were to make a large order from a company in Australia. One of our Indonesian teachers mentioned to me that we could simply get that stuff locally. When I asked "Why don't we go and buy some equipment, then?" I received the standard 'deer in headlights' look. Silly me for asking why.

Looking at this topic I guess many questions have simple answers:

Why do the buses not have doors? Duh, to get in and out while the bus is still moving.

Regardless of whose fault a car accident is, why does the car owner always pay for the scooter driver? Duh, because the car is bigger. You should have known the scooter would run into your back bumper.

Why are there stoplights? That is a good question. Apparently, 98% of Indonesians are colourblind, anyway.

Why is there a Saskatchewan Roughriders Jersey in the outlet store across the street? Because no one at home will buy it.

Why is that man strapped to a palm tree? How else would he get it home on his scooter.

Indonesian principles

The family and I have been here for over a year, now and we are becoming more and more Indonesian. We are in process of learning the language and have started to wear jackets when the temperature plummets under 28 degrees.

With the start of the xmas season I thought I would share a few traditions that we will be bringing home with us.

Camels- Christmas needs less Christ and more camels.

The kids had joined us in slowly walking from one escalator in the mall to the other in a strategically staggered fashion. We walk slow enough that you cannot possibly pass us before the next escalator. We think that it develops patience.

Also dealing with escalators, the malls here are so large that you must gaze at the marvels surrounding you....at the top of the escalator. That way, too, everyone else behind us can enjoy the same splendor we do. One must really stop and smell the roses more often. So why not do it while your toes are being smashed into the person in front of you and getting felt up from behind?

We will start giving everybody driving instructions. Our lives in the west are so regimented rules and protocol that driving should make a person feel free. So go where you want, when you want at whatever speed you want. That said though, I have not been in a car in Jakarta that has gone 50km/h. Realize too, honking your horn has many meanings from "stop" to "go" to "get the hell out of my way" to "please, feel free to cross in front of me, it is safe". Marni and I will brief you on the differences.

We will make sure that visible minorities do not feel segregated. When see them will yell, hoot, point and take pictures of them. What better way could there be to make them feel like one of us?In fact, why wait? When you see Africans, touch there heads, Asians, make funny eye shapes and yell at them. Let them know that they are different and you love that about them. Spread the love, people, it's almost Christmas!

Jakarta Petting Zoo

Another 'Killing an Animal' Holiday is upon us. Marni and I noticed, last week, the number of local petting zoos were springing up all over. This morning, many of them are empty. Hmmm??

Yesterday, there were some locals 'recycling' in our compound. Recycling here consists of throwing all of your shit away and someone with a pull cart comes around and pick through all the good stuff. However, good stuff here is relative. These people probably live on less than a dollar a day. AND....they have a smile on their face. Truly fascinating.

Anyway, with our local recyclers were two goats. Poor little things had know idea what was about to happen to them. I asked the men if I could take some picture (I am learning more Indonesian so I tried it on them...."Boleh, kana saya picture, anda?" "Hell ya, Misterrrr!" they answered. Then they scurried around to look busy. Actually, I just wanted a picture of the goats.

When I pointed to the goats (who happened to be chewing on a burger wrapper that I probably threw out) and made the classic 'knife across the throat' gesture, they all smiled and said "Yessss". The one man then gave his goat a little rub behind the ears. That may have been to tenderize it, too. I am not sure if ears are good eating. In Asia, though.....it's all good. Today we saw many of the staff members sorting out piles of meat into plastic bags. One can only assume it was our two little goats from the night before.

Anyway, to put this in perspective for you. Do you remember in "The Godfather" when the one character wakes up next to the horse head? Well, we saw the guy who actually places the horse head on his pillow, today. He had a wonderfully crocheted bag filled with the head of a cow....on his scooter. Just so nonchalont about it. Why wouldn't you be carrying the head of another mammal around?

Trunk or treating

Sorry, Mr. Bruce. Something happened with the loading of this and I know you are sad and disappointed with the lack off the post. Those words alone probably do not describe your feelings, though.

We had interesting Halloween, in Jakarta. First off, Indonesians are very skiddish about ghosts and spirits. They do take Halloween seriously and many do not participate. However, being at in international school we like to celebrate all cultures...and sell beer in the process.

Our parents group set up a family dance in our undercover area. It is like a steel shed without the sides. Like where cows would be kept. They decorate it all up to be spooky and play 'Thriller' about eight times in three hours.

But, because it is Jakarta and getting together in family groups is difficult, over 350 people showed up. It was wonderful.

Costume of the night has to be a little boy dressed as a knight. He says to a friend that he is an "invincible knight". I questioned his credibility when I noticed his nanny was carrying the sword. Sort of took away some of his toughness, I thought.

Some glaring differences, though. Instead of going from house to house (security would not let you through the gate) for candy, the parents set up their cars and vans so the kids can go from vehicle to vehicle. Hence the 'trunk or treat'. The drivers happily hand out candy to the kids and then probably go to the school musholla and pray that the spirits will not suck out their soul.

Secondly, instead of worrying about the snow and ice, we have to worry about the deluge that can strike at anytime. Of course, it did, too. Luckily, we could all fit in the covered area and neighbouring classrooms. This is not your average thunderstorm. You have never heard thunderstorms like you would, here. It is insane. The rain is also the most intense rain you have ever seen. But, within an hour after stopping, everything is dry and ready to go.

Some prizes won by the family, Caden with best lower primary dancer. The kid can shake it! Marni and I won two bottles of vino for best teacher dance. Apparently, Brits and Aussie's have now idea how to jive. When they asked how we knew how to do that I had to explain that we all know. It's part being Canadian....like eating timbits. Then I had to explain timbits. When I explained that we used timbits to hunt moose, they were really confused.

Krakatau

I will write this now since it has already happened and Mom can't be freaking out. We decided that for some silly reason we would go camping. That was great- a chance to roast some imported marshmallows from Singapore, drink some warm Bintang beer by a fire and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. So, where will one do this? At the bottom of a volcano... that is active... and experiencing tremors...and currently smoking and spewing boulders!

Ah yes, my friends. Just a short boat ride from a nearby coastal town will get you at the base of a volcano known around the world because of the largest recorded eruption known to mankind. Allegedly so loud that it was heard in Australia, nearly 4000km away. Krakatoa was actually three volcanoes that were connected as one large island. But, in 1883, blew the shit out of two and a half of them. Krakatoa is dormant and only half of it is left. Wuss!

But, in the place of one of the previous volcanoes lies 'Anak Krakatau' (Son of Krakatoa and Caden's new nickname) which, only last week, was banned from public visits due to its nasty demeanor. In 1927, this Anak Krakatau grew from the ocean and is now a popular tourist attraction..... yay, for us!

Beautiful black sand beaches. White sand is for beotches! Black sand is way nicer. Decent coral reefs and enough pumis stone even Marni can have soft feet. And.....no mosquitoes! We were able to climb a significant way up the slope to the crater. The tour guide telling us when some of the most recent explosions had happened (last Tuesday being mentioned). As well, the same day as the earthquake in Bali, there were eight or nine tremors on the island. Bali gets all the fun stuff.

One nice thing when we camped is that we were joined by a group of French tourists that were on a tour of different volcanoes in the region. We all felt much safer because, as history has shown, any time there is an explosion or projectiles falling from the sky, the French are the first to leave.

Living in Jakarta too long.

One of my friends posted this in Facebook. I thought I would share some of the

• When after every sentence you say ... Iyaaahh!
• You too believe traffic lanes, stop signs and one way streets are mere suggestions and that sidewalks were meant to drive on or they wouldn't have paved them.
• You can drive 60 km/h two inches from cars on either side of you, but cannot back into a parking space in an empty lot without two guys yelling “Kiri…Kiri Terus, Terus, Terus…”
• You can kill cockroaches with your bare feet
• The footprints on the toilet seat are your own
• You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue
• You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day
• You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift
• It has become exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anybody else can get off
• You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go to within a kilometer of at home
• It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting
• You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply “up to you mister”
• You no longer wonder how someone making US$200 per month can drive a Mercedes
• You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue
• You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car
• You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the plane is on final approach
• You think the Proton and Kijang are stylish and well built cars
• You answer the telephone with “Hello” more than 2 times
• You are quite content to repeat your order six times in a restaurant that only has four items on the menu
• A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine
• If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the Air Traffic Controllers
• You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different
• You're not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb
• Taxi drivers understand you
• You own a rice cooker
• Due to selective memory you honestly believe you could return to the western world
• You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your pants
• When crossing a busy street you believe that a limp wrist motion with your right arm creates a force field that repels oncoming traffic
• You think it's logical to dry your hands with Kleenex
• When dining with your family at a mexican restaurant, the table next to you is occupied by an overweight, bald, fifty-something Australian petroleum worker who has each of his arms around a teenaged Sundanese girl
• You find yourself getting upset with inflation because the price of the buffet in a five-star hotel is now nearly ten dollars
• Going out for a drink with your coworker, he shows up with his girlfriend, even though you are on a first name basis with his wife
• There is no discount for what is clearly a demo model
• A gaggle of teenage girls swoon as you walk by
• The cute looking girls in Singapore seemingly pay you no notice whatsoever
• McDonald's is out of hamburgers and KFCs is out of chicken
• You ask a person taking your order, “Do you have cheeseburgers?” and the server responds, “Yes, we do.” And so you say, “OK, I'll order a cheeseburger.” And the server says, “I'm sorry, we're out of cheeseburgers.”
• You can walk into a five-star hotel lobby unshaven, in jogging shorts, ratty t-shirt and flip-flops and DON'T get an awkward glance from the management.
• A bathroom with four attendants is so disgustingly filthy that you wouldn't step into it back home ... and one of those attendants sole job is to hand you flimsy, single-ply toilet paper to dry your hands.
• You look left, right, backwards, forwards, up and down before crossing a one way street.
• You've seen every hollywood blockbuster three weeks before its premier
• You pick your nose in public
• You take a book to read on the journey to work ( thank you for that one Mr Cook)
• You consider an 18 year old getting on a bit
  
• Your current girlfriend is younger than your daughter
• The titles "Mr. Bob" and "Miss Barbara" begin to sound normal to you
• You stop wondering why the concept of turning lanes never occurred to traffic engineers in Jakarta
• You stop wondering if the concept of traffic engineers ever occurred to anyone in Jakarta
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you fish the fly out with a spoon and drink it anyway
• You find a fly in your Bintang, and you drink it fly and all. (That's how you know you have really been in Indonesia too long).
• you are no longer confused when you are asked if you want some 'beep bacon' (beef bacon) with your eggs.