Working for the winners of society certainly has its privileges. Educating children that are catered to, nannied, driven and basically coddled since birth has allowed me to experience some of the finest excuses from physical education I have ever been privy to.
Yesterday, I had the honor of getting four parents' notes regarding why their sons could not participate in swimming.
Excuse #1: My son is still having ear infections and the doctor tells him he should not go swimming. Okay, this one is legitimate. After doing some more digging the child has had tubes in his ears when he was younger. They have been causing him trouble. Fine.
Excuse #2: There is some disease in Indonesia that makes this student throw up when he showers in cold water. The boy explained that he also tends to throw up when he eats too much. My answer to him was "Yah, it's called eating too much!". I also followed it up with a "I'm not a doctor but I think that is a stupid diagnosis. Get a second opinion."
Excuse #3: Getting better.... This boy (who, last week, missed two days of classes due to growing pains) came to me in the morning with a mommy note saying " My little Douchebag* son can not swim because he has been complaining of earaches.". Great. He later came to me and needed to go to the bathroom because he has had bleeding in his ears. Getting more legitimate. When I asked to look in his ear he had a scratch from his finger nail! I told him to keep his finger out of his ear. He also told me he suffers from nose bleeds. My answer to him "It's caused by the same finger."
Excuse #4: This was the best one yet. After years of girls having 3 weeks of menstruation in a month when teaching junior high this one has to be the lamest excuse.
Note from mom "Please excuse my little Pussy of a son* from swimming because he is a bit tired." Are you f#$king kidding me? Its a Monday morning- who isn't tired?
Anyway, as I probed the boy (no, I don't work in a Catholic school) for more information he mentioned he has been losing a lot of blood lately. Oh shit- another ear scratch! Possibly ebola? Oh, no...the student says he has been losing blood from his gums while brushing his teeth. WHAT?! Somebody find me a dentist and see if you can become anemic from brushing too hard. To solve his ailment I recommended a softer toothbrush.
Mom, I'm going to need a handful of notes when you come at Christmas.
*To protect their identity, the names of Pussy's and Douchbags have been changed.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Haircut
I have found a new love.
At the PAXI barbershop across street is my new best friend, Unang. The man is like Edward Scissorhands. He may actually be the Chuck Norris of barbers- just glaring at my head until the hairs couldn't resist and simply break off at the appropriate length. In fact, if it wasn't for the hair hitting the floor around me I wouldn't even know he was touching my head.
He stares at the mirror and measures the length of my hair to the proportion of my ears as if DaVinci was going to critique him. I hope he noticed that my eyes are crooked and my nose is bent.
An errant hair was caught on my brow, gentle Unang whisked it away with nary a flick of his hand.
Then comes the shoulder massage. Unang performed some sort of Voodoo magic and pulled demons from my spine with his firm hands. By the time he finished my hands were tingling (and my pants may have been wet).
The first I went to him I opted for my first straight shave, ever. I came out of it with the skin of a newborn child. I think the hair was so afraid of Unang that it stayed in my face for three days.
So I am developing some new tourism ideas for Indonesia. Men, grow your hair long and visit Unang for a shave and a haircut, play some golf with 19 year-old girls carrying your clubs, and drink your face off for about $12. Women, getting touched by Unang may make you want to leave your husbands. I suggest you be careful. The power and grace in the mans hands could shake your foundations and his 'Blue Steel' gaze will make you melt to a puddle. It is a Pandora's box of manliness.
At the PAXI barbershop across street is my new best friend, Unang. The man is like Edward Scissorhands. He may actually be the Chuck Norris of barbers- just glaring at my head until the hairs couldn't resist and simply break off at the appropriate length. In fact, if it wasn't for the hair hitting the floor around me I wouldn't even know he was touching my head.
He stares at the mirror and measures the length of my hair to the proportion of my ears as if DaVinci was going to critique him. I hope he noticed that my eyes are crooked and my nose is bent.
An errant hair was caught on my brow, gentle Unang whisked it away with nary a flick of his hand.
Then comes the shoulder massage. Unang performed some sort of Voodoo magic and pulled demons from my spine with his firm hands. By the time he finished my hands were tingling (and my pants may have been wet).
The first I went to him I opted for my first straight shave, ever. I came out of it with the skin of a newborn child. I think the hair was so afraid of Unang that it stayed in my face for three days.
So I am developing some new tourism ideas for Indonesia. Men, grow your hair long and visit Unang for a shave and a haircut, play some golf with 19 year-old girls carrying your clubs, and drink your face off for about $12. Women, getting touched by Unang may make you want to leave your husbands. I suggest you be careful. The power and grace in the mans hands could shake your foundations and his 'Blue Steel' gaze will make you melt to a puddle. It is a Pandora's box of manliness.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Snorkeling
Nana came for a visit. Really, what else is a person going to do when they are recently retired but fly half-way around the world?
Well, school started on the first day of Ramadan. That means that there is a somewhat reasonable excuse for the renovations at the school to not get done. There will be another week of uselessness due to everyone recovering from Idul Fitri break. After that, everyone will simply be lazy.
Seems how our nannies had the week off we figured we would get out of town. No sense doing our own laundry and cooking when we should have someone do that for us. Off we went to Bali.
Our first experience of Bali, although wonderful, was a little underwhelming. It is hard to get around without a car and the sights are very spread out. We were encouraged to try another part of the island. In this case, we went to Seminyak.
T'was a beautiful place except for the abnormally high proportion of gay men (not that there is anything wrong with it). Many 'Sugar Daddies', too many Speedos and a lot of ass-grabbing. None of the ass-grabbing was done to me and I am still wondering if I should be offended or not.
A couple of highlights- Nana got a little teary-eyed when she saw these beautiful Macaws flying around in the bird park. They are truly wonderful and I think could only be appreciated when they are in full flight. Caden and Zoe got to feed some pelicans and Caden learned not to tease pelicans with food and that pelicans do not have teeth. He learned this when his arm was halfway in the male pelicans pouch.
With Nana fretting about getting into the ocean to do some snorkeling we was quite a trooper and jumped right in. I am scarred by the vision of her in a wetsuit but like a good son-in-law I stayed with her in the water while everyone else took off in other directions. Unfortunately, the buoyancy of the salt water was too much to overcome while pushing her head underwater.
There were a large variety of fish- fish that if you coloured them like they were no one would believe that actually exist. We did see some large Parrot fish, a Moray Eel and a Peacock shrimp. The Peacock shrimp will snap at you so fast that it can break your finger. I learned that after our guide pointed it out to us. Caden and Nana did see a big starfish, too. Marni and Nana successfully fed the fish after a bout of seasickness. All wonderful memories!?
Back to work on Monday. Time to think about what to do during our next break. We are thinking of heading to Krakatoa for some hiking.
Well, school started on the first day of Ramadan. That means that there is a somewhat reasonable excuse for the renovations at the school to not get done. There will be another week of uselessness due to everyone recovering from Idul Fitri break. After that, everyone will simply be lazy.
Seems how our nannies had the week off we figured we would get out of town. No sense doing our own laundry and cooking when we should have someone do that for us. Off we went to Bali.
Our first experience of Bali, although wonderful, was a little underwhelming. It is hard to get around without a car and the sights are very spread out. We were encouraged to try another part of the island. In this case, we went to Seminyak.
T'was a beautiful place except for the abnormally high proportion of gay men (not that there is anything wrong with it). Many 'Sugar Daddies', too many Speedos and a lot of ass-grabbing. None of the ass-grabbing was done to me and I am still wondering if I should be offended or not.
A couple of highlights- Nana got a little teary-eyed when she saw these beautiful Macaws flying around in the bird park. They are truly wonderful and I think could only be appreciated when they are in full flight. Caden and Zoe got to feed some pelicans and Caden learned not to tease pelicans with food and that pelicans do not have teeth. He learned this when his arm was halfway in the male pelicans pouch.
With Nana fretting about getting into the ocean to do some snorkeling we was quite a trooper and jumped right in. I am scarred by the vision of her in a wetsuit but like a good son-in-law I stayed with her in the water while everyone else took off in other directions. Unfortunately, the buoyancy of the salt water was too much to overcome while pushing her head underwater.
There were a large variety of fish- fish that if you coloured them like they were no one would believe that actually exist. We did see some large Parrot fish, a Moray Eel and a Peacock shrimp. The Peacock shrimp will snap at you so fast that it can break your finger. I learned that after our guide pointed it out to us. Caden and Nana did see a big starfish, too. Marni and Nana successfully fed the fish after a bout of seasickness. All wonderful memories!?
Back to work on Monday. Time to think about what to do during our next break. We are thinking of heading to Krakatoa for some hiking.
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